Meow House Theatre

On Monday, February 26, 2007, I attended a live taping of The Colbert Report in New York City. This is a Report report on what happened. I hope current fans will enjoy it and other people will be converts after reading it!

Note: this was originally split into several different parts for a messageboard, so that’s why it is divided here. I attended with two other women who shall be known by the names “Angryrose” (AR) and “Doobage.”

[First post]
Briefly, it [the show] was a lot of fun and if I didn’t know better I’d think Stephen was on uppers - major major uppers - 24/7. It’s hard to believe he’s as old as he is. (Not that it’s old; you know what I mean. I couldn’t jump around like that every day if it were my only way out of being chained between Bill O’Reilly and Dick Cheney in a Gitmo “hospitality suite” for the rest of my natural life.)

And Mark M. [N.B. Mark M. is the audience coordinator at TCR] is a shockingly nice man.

More later!

———–Later————–­—–

[Second post]
So here is my actual report: (actually only the first part)

I was supposed to work a half day and then fly out at 1:45 but JetBlue called me the night before and said my flight was canceled. So of course I took the earlier one although I thought for sure it too would be canceled and then I’d be SOL. Too late to rebook anywhere and too much of a pain in the ass to take the train. Plus the last train back would be too early so I’d have to take the bus and even TCR isn’t worth all that annoyance. (Sorry, Stephen!)

But the flight did stay on the schedule and this time was a good subservient little girlie to the TSA personnel and so I didn’t have any problems with mealy-mouthed power-mad 18-year-olds with the stupidity to get, at that age, a big honkin’ tattoo on his FACE (and it was an UGLY tattoo - not even one that could ever kindly be called “nice”) and thus forever be doomed to making 7 bucks an hour at a dead-end job where everyone dislikes you. Anyhoo:

I got to JFK, took the E to 50th & 8th, and commenced walking to W. 54th. I popped into a Starbucks, which coincindentally of all the Starbucks in NYC was the exact same one I went into last time I was there for The Daily Show taping. (I had walked a different route that time so it’s funny that I ended up at the same one.) In honor of TCR I had a five-shot (okay, maybe just a double) venti caramel mocha even though I prefer the peppermint. It was delicious and full of sweet sweet caffeine, that elixer of my life’s blood. Then I called Angryrose to make sure she and Doobage had gotten there and off I went to meet them.

They were first in line - yay! - and we started waiting and chatting. I showed them my partially done video, which caused an outburst of “oh my god” now and then. One of the crew members saw this playing on my iPod and said, “Yep, that’s The Man.” (Then he went, I’m sure, and reported the Freak Group out front who actually carry Stephen around in a little electronic box - watch out for them, Security.)

At one point Mark M., the audience coordinator, came out and walked down the line and when he got back up to us I said, “Are you Mark? (Of course I already knew he was.) He did a double-take and said, “Yes, how did you know?”

Me: “Well, you’re half-famous.”

Him: [Slightly puzzled/befuddled/surprised look] “Oh no … no … um … ”

Me: [Laugh] “Which caused that look - the “half” or the “famous”?

Then we had a nice conversation. He was very surprised to learn that I actually flew there to see the show, especially given yesterday’s weather. (But really it’s no more expensive than going out to a mediumly-nice dinner.) I told him the question I wanted to ask and he said it was good; that he didn’t recall anyone else ever asking it, which was good. He said Stephen gets the same few questions all the time - “Why do you hate bears but like ‘Papa Bear’?” “Can I be your new black friend?” etc., and these questions are the cause of much eye-rolling (not from Stephen, who is always very gracious about answering them over and over and over). So we had a chat and then he was off to do his coordinating and we continued to wait.

Eventually they let us in, late, it seems, as AR said. We had tickets numbered 1, 2, and 3, and several people looked upon them enviously. I could tell. We also ended up sitting (in the waiting room) next to a group of people, one of whom thought Stephen, the guy they were there to see, was actually a tall skinny black guy - which was subsequently figured out to be a reference to Dave Chappelle (!!!) and who also kept calling The Daily Show “The Daily News” and yet said she watched it every day. There oughta be a test before they let people get tickets, yanno??

Then the woman who says we have to be loud, no touching Stephen, no asking for hugs, etc., comes out and says we go in in numerical order so #1 come on down, and again people looked at us either enviously or possibly with horror at the nuts who waited the longest in the cold. No-Touching Lady said they had had to film the toss first, which I wish they had let us in for, but oh well. Can’t have everything.

——————————­——————–

[Third post]
So we’re in. That studio is WAY tiny. Much much smaller than it looks on TV. The desk is tiny - there’s a little hole in the “C” for Stephen to sit in. The desk platform is this little round circle. The platform where the interview table is is so small that if the people rolled back in their chairs they’d fall off. The Colbert #1 jersey that got raised to the rafters last fall is only about 12 feet off the ground - on TV it looked like it was going up up up. The entrance where he runs out is just a short distance - it looks much longer on TV. Weird.

Pete was the warmup guy and he was quite funny. He pointed to our area and said the hardcore no-job people usually were there because they had nothing else to do but wait for hours in line. He asked if we wanted to touch the desk and then popped over to answer some other guy’s question and I thought, “Oh, he’s on to another subject - he won’t come back to the desk-touching” but he did. He said we should all hold hands and go up and touch the desk together. It was funny. An older woman behind us said, “See, it was worth waiting all that time.” Pete keeps looking down the entryway and making repeated updates of how Stephen will be out very soon, etc. And then Mark the real stage manager [N.B. The stage manager they show on the show, “Bobby,” is actually an actor and writer on TCR. He’s not the real stage manager - the real one is named Mark, who is a different Mark from Mark M. The Audience Coordinator] comes out and says we have to be loud, he’ll count down from 10 when we’re supposed to yell, etc. And then Stephen is standing there in the entry waiting for the cue and then he runs out and everyone’s yelling and woo-ing.

That guy is … something. He RUNS out woo-wooing, waving his arms all around, and RUNS around the desk twice and at the second time does a leap in the air and clicks his heals, runs along and tosses the mic in the air and catches it, dancing across the floor. And then I think he ran around some more. I was out of breath just watching. He said welcome, etc., and talked for a minute and then said he’d take questions. I had my question all ready and I raised my hand right away (and he was standing 2 feet in front of me) and he looked right smack directly at me … and picked someone else! I assume he must have been flustered by my low-cut shirt and forgot how to point the mic and say, “You!” Either that or “Crazy redhead, she’s got a freaky look in her eye, better pass on that one.” So I did not get to ask my question. Angryrose did, though, and here is my recall of how that conversation went:

AR: “Of the Colboard, JSX, or OSCLA, which [something I can’t remember]? [N.B. The Colboard, JSX, and OSCLA are Stephen/Jon-centric Web sites. The “Colboard” is the “official” message board of Comedy Central’s Colbert Nation site.]

Stephen: “The what? I’m not familiar. Are you talking about the United Nations? Say it again.” (He then came right up to her with the mic and she repeated her question.) “Oh, the Colboard, that’s the Colbert Nation message board, right?” … huge slightly shamefaced (?) grin and shaking of the head … “I don’t read it. I did once and it scared me, so never again.” Then he started to walk away and laughed and said kind of under his breath, “Love that fanfiction.” Then he walked another step and turned back and said, “And no, Jon and I have never done it.” Huge laugh from the crowd.

Then he answered more questions including one from someone who wanted to be his new black friend, to which he answered, “Sure” and had them film him giving the “black friend” face to him. He told the guy to appear annoyed while he was doing this. He also answered a question something about how was he able to say the Nicene Creed so fast that time, to which he responded that he learned it that way because he thought it would make church go by faster. He also said something about how when he was little he was confused because there’s this one prayer that refers to “Blessed Mary, a Virgin” only he thought (when little) it was “Blessed Mary and a Virgin” and was all confused because “I was sure that Mary was a Virgin and the only one.” Then he laughed and said, “That’s a Catholic joke.”

Then they were getting ready for filming and he runs all around again and leaps again into the air. Like really high, especially for a guy in a suit.

Let’s see: during the show he makes a lot of funny faces to the audience while he’s off camera. During the Al Pacino bit, he was mouthing all the words that Pacino was saying. Everyone saw the few little character breaks and I think one was caused by the fact that he was mouthing Al Pacino when the camera cut back to him. During the commercials, 3-5 people come out and go over the script and rewrite stuff right then. The crew laughs constantly at him (you know, at the character, not at Stephen) throughout the show. It must be great fun to work there.

At the end, he did this whole thing (which didn’t air) of him chasing Mark the real stage manager around the set because of the missing graphic, and Mark acting all scared, until “Stephen” turned back into Stephen and shook his hand. I missed half the show because for one, it’s REALLY loud in there. Much louder than it seems on TV. Two, you have to choose to either watch Stephen or watch the monitor and I naturally chose Stephen. This makes it difficult to get all the jokes especially during The Word. For the interview, he was farther away and there was a camera blocking now and then too. Oh, he did the high-fives twice and I caught him both times and as everyone says, he’s got very soft hands. He must use exfoliant and mango butter on them. Or he gets them paraffin-waxed.

Afterward (the taping ended about 8:10 PM), we waited for him and one of the crew members came out and tried to tell us that Stephen would not - and does not ever - come out until about midnight or 1 AM. Of course I was all “Uh uh girlfriend, don’t be trying to trick us” and I said he shouldn’t play poker because he sucked at lying. (He was half grinning while trying to tell us this “insider detail.”) I said I knew for a fact that he usually comes out about 9:30 and he asked how I knew and I said there is all sorts of information out there if you know where to look. **Mysterious raised eyebrows from me** Anyway I ended up having to leave at about 9:20 so I missed him when he did appear 10 minutes later. Mark M. came out again (before I left, obviously) and talked to us some more and he, again I will say, is an extremely shockingly nice down-to-earth man and I sincerely enjoyed meeting him. He will be at that Aspen Comedy Festival starting tomorrow so everyone think good thoughts for his screening.

AR and Doobage don’t know this but when I left, I actually ended up walking with Mark most of the way back to my subway stop. One thing I said to him was, “Boy, Stephen sure has a lot of energy. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was on crack. Of course he isn’t but he sure can jump around.” And without missing a beat, Mark replied, “Well, he always has a lot of caffeinated beverages right before the show.” It was rather funny. But I’m not sure if he was telling the truth or being funny. Probably both. (I found out later that Stephen came down only 10 minutes after I left but it’s good I didn’t wait anyway because I had to run for my flight even leaving when I did. I would have missed it if I had waited any more. Maybe next time I’ll wait again but I hate to bother him after such a long day.)

It was a great experience! I highly recommend going.

——————————-

Because I know half the board [these are some of the boards I mentioned above] are squeeing for fangirly stuff:

Stephen has the most perfect set of teeth I have ever seen. When I mentioned this to AR, she laughed and said, “He was right in front of you and you were looking at his teeth?” What can I say, I have a thing for good teeth. And he shows them a LOT. He smiles constantly during the commercials.

He has a LOT more grey in his hair than it looks like on camera. It’s shot through with grey. It’s nice; just totally not visible on TV. He looks a lot sharper/harder on TV than in person. He does that thing with his face (I mentioned this noticeable transformation in my Harvard post) to turn into “Stephen” and that face is definitely not his real-life face. The real-life face comes out a lot during the inteviews. You can see the difference. I sound obsesesive here but really I think it’s obvious.

His suit looked very crisp on camera but it was a little big in real-life. The pants, not the jacket. They need to re-measure.

And finally, that man has major charisma. The charm is just falling out of him in waves and it forms a big puddle on the ground which then evaporates up and back into him for recycling. Any females who work there must be - have to be - either:

1. Extremely grounded.
2. Madly passionately in love with their husband/S.O.
3. A lesbian. And not one of those “Oh this is trendy for now” lesbians. Not an “Oh I like girls too” lesbian. But a major hardcore “Men Do NOTHING For Me” lesbian. I don’t see any other way to survive a workday.

The End.

(This was posted originally to a messageboard so it’s divided into parts; and has been edited slightly since the original posting. I attended with someone who shall be known as “Lefty.”)

Yay!

One thing: Jon is a pixieish elfin man! That’s so NOT just a joke! He really is an elf! I’ll be back later to report more.

———-Later————–

I’ll skip all the travel stuff except to say that I almost missed my flight and it was made worse because those smarmy little punks who work at TSA are mad with the pitiful power they have and if you make any sort of challenge to it, they are going to “show you who’s boss” by pulling you to the side and letting 50 people go ahead of you through the metal detector until they look over and say smugly, “Okay, now you can go through.” Thankfully Jet Blue held the plane for me. Fuckers. Punk little kid with an ugly tattoo on his FACE. Yeah that really makes me feel safe that some dude dumb enough to put a big irreversible blotch on his face is monitoring my bags.

So I get there and have to take the E train from JFK to the city and I ended up getting off at 51st and Lex and walking the rest. It actually was not that cold at this point [N.B. This was during those couple of days when it was below zero in the Northeast] and I thought, “Oh this isn’t bad at all” - words that would taunt me later on. I wanted to walk past the Colbert studios just to see, so I went up to 54th and then walked west until I got to the 10th-11th block. TCR studios were totally quiet - it was pretty early at this point but those fangirls are crazy so I thought I might see a few. Nope, nobody. Several “black cars” though (those are the car-service cars that Stephen apparently has been taking lately, although the ones I saw didn’t necessarily have anything to do with him). I tried to look in the office window but there’s really nothing to see and I didn’t want to appear to be a stalker so I didn’t stop or anything.

Then it was down to 11th, turn left, and walk the 2 blocks to The Daily Show studio. Lefty was there already, first in line. We talked for a while and then I really needed a coffee and something to eat so I went off in search of sustinance. Strangely, there is really nothing around there in the way of food. Not for several blocks. Someone could make a fortune by opening a coffee shop across the street and bringing a cart over from 3-6 PM every day. If you’re looking for a business venture, give it some thought. Even a college kid could get a cart and do this - charge $3.00 for a regular coffee; people would definitely pay it. You could sell those handwarmer things too. Anyway, I ended up walking back up 11th, back down 54th, and found a Dunkin’ Donuts on 10th. Of course they didn’t have a bathroom. There must not be one bathroom in the entire of Manhattan, even for customers. So then I treked back to TDS and I hope to god nobody at TCR wondered, “Who is that weirdo who has walked by THREE times?!” (I have rather striking long red hair so it’s not hard to notice me. Just sayin’, for editorial purposes only.)

A few more people were gathering by this time. It still wasn’t that cold, thankfully. At some point, “the line guy” comes out and says that they’ll probably let people in early because it’s so cold but that still won’t happen for another hour and a half or more. He was rather humorless, I must say. And he got a little annoyed when I wanted to use the bathroom even though he offered to let people use the bathroom.

Oh, I have to report on the biggest “Waaaahhhh????” I have ever seen. Shortly after we got there, this woman comes over and stands in front of the VIP sign, which clearly says, “VIP ticketholders only - have your VIP letter with you.” She’s reading the sign, looking at her email, and she continues to stand there. We just assumed she had VIP tickets. Meanwhile the line is filling up and by 3:30 had at least a hundred people. By 4:00 there were 200. So eventually they come out, take our names, etc., and then they start letting the VIPs in first, as is the normal course of events. This woman, who has been standing there over 2 hours, gives the door guy her email and he says, “That’s not for VIP tickets - you have to go stand in the regular line” - the END of the line! She ended up being one of the last 10 people in line. I mean DUH! Didn’t she wonder what all those other people were doing standing there?! I’m still stunned at how someone could miss something so obvious. Now is the time to mention that the temperature had dropped drastically in the past hour and it was cold. COLD. My toes were small little nubs of ice. And this woman had waited there all that time and now had an excellent chance of not making it in. They overbook, so even if you have tickets if you get there too late and end up at the back of the queue you are screwed. And she was now very, very late.

Anyway, we get in and they pack us into a depressingly badly decorated room to wait another 45 minutes. They really need to paint that room and put some chairs in it. Washing the floor might be nice too - it was filthy. The YMCA is cleaner. A journalist (I don’t know where from) talked to us for a while about why we were there, if we watched the show regularly, etc. Then they finally start letting us in. I have to point out that really, for TDS, it doesn’t matter much if you get there “first in line” or not because they tell you where to sit. It’s not like at Colbert where first in line gets El Primo Seat #1. It so happened that we got excellent seats - directly in front of the desk, one row up (it’s better not to be on the floor because the camera often blocks you) - but there’s really no reason to get in line early. If I go again, as long as you’re there by 3:30 or so should be fine - within the first 150 people (to account for the VIPs, who will get in before you). I took advantage of the waiting by removing my shoes and wrapping my frozen feet in my mittens and scarf.

#

—–Later, after many exhortations to “hurry up and finish the storyyyyyy!!!”——-

I feel so important! People are hanging on my words … usually they’re just yawning.

Anyhoo: So the warmup guy came out (Paul Mecurio) and did his thing. He asked various people in the audience where they were from and saw Lefty with the Stewart/Colbert ‘08 shirt and said, “Oh, you’ve got the shirt, you must be a stalker.” That got a big laugh. He asked some other people questions and came to this one weird/hostile dude who had some kind of problem. Maybe his wife just told him it was over or something. I don’t know what his issue was but he was a killjoy. Paul M. kind of gave it back to him good, as any comedian would.

Oh, he also did the “you’ve got to be really loud” speech and had us practice screaming and clapping. This would factor in to the show’s overall experience later on, you’ll see. Oh did I mention yet how incredibly small the studio is? It looks MUCH bigger on TV. At least three times as big. The screens behind the desk look gigantic on TV and they are large but not that large. 8 x 8 maybe? And the round thing the desk sits on is small. There is barely 15 feet from the front row to the desk. It’s really shocking how different it looks on TV. I thought at least 30 feet from the front row to the desk. Not even close.

So finally Paul is done and he introduces Jon. And Jon. Is. A. Pixieish. Elfin. Man! He comes out and does kind of a quickie little stand-up act combined with the Q&A. Unfortunately I didn’t get to ask my question but Lefty did get chosen and gave him the Cheetos [N.B. She had brought Cheetos for him, as a joke, which she also did the last time she was there] and he apparently remembered the ones from the last time. Let’s see, what other questions got asked … someone asked who the worst guest was and he jokingly said Jimmy Carter (because he was roaring drunk) and then seriously said Rick Santorum. I guess he forgot about Tori Amos. [Tori Amos could not manage to say almost anything to him except “ummmmm.” She was either high or is a giant ditz, her musical talent notwithstanding.] He also said the only reason they do a Q&A at all is because he fucks it all up in rehearsal and so they have to rewrite every day and need more time. I forgot to mention that previously some guy first brought out a pen and put it on the desk and then we knew it was “almost time” when he brought out the blue-paper script. He needs to get a nice pen - it’s one of those cheapie Bics. Guess a Mont Blanc that would go with his $2,000 suits is too expensive for Comedy Central.

So then he says we’re ready and sits down and they start the countdown and we’re all screaming and the result is that people in the studio miss the first 10-15 seconds of everything he says! It’s MUCH louder in the studio than it seems at home. Obviously they adjust the levels in post. I mean it was deafening in there and while it’s loud at home, it’s not like he is obliterated by the noise.

During the Jason Jones taped thingy [Jason Jones did his second “Laguna Beach” segment that night] Jon watched on his own monitor and laughed and laughed the whole time. I actually didn’t watch the JJ segment because I wanted to see what Jon was doing. Also when he did that “apply directly to the forehead” thing, we see that he’s getting ready by getting that thing out of his pocket; then he does the bit; then puts in back in but you don’t see any of that at home: it seems like he’s got that forehead med thing on the desk already but he doesn’t.

When Mike Rowe of “Dirty Jobs” did his interview, I missed most of that too because of the laughing. Jon looked like he was having a good time with that guest. Oh and he swore a few times, which of course got bleeped - now I can’t remember what; I’ll have to watch and see. Was there a “pussy” in there? Can’t remember. Of course we were so disappointed that there was no Toss. I really wanted to see that. Oh well, such is life.

What I noticed most of all is how different it is on TV than in real life. In RL it’s much more (to me) a standup comedy show about the news, whereas on TV it’s a news show that is funny. I don’t know if that will make sense unless you’ve seen it live. I wonder how TCR compares to this? Nobody has mentioned this difference in feeling that I recall.

And then it’s over, Jon says thanks for coming and standing out in the cold, and we’re done. I don’t think Jon comes outside afterwards to meet waiting people (which I’d never do anyway) although I really wanted him to sign my Naked Pictures book and that is clearly never going to happen. I had thought about asking Humorless Guy if I could leave it with him and they could even mail it back to me, but he was … humorless … and obviously not going to cooperate.

That’s all until the next time! It was great fun though and I highly recommend it. Oh as I said to Lefty: man do those people “dress down” there. You think Jon’s grey t-shirt is “casual”? They’re all dressed not just for Casual Friday, but for Hangover Sunday after Seriously Drunk Late Saturday Night. They all looked like bag people except for maybe two staff. It was a little odd, I thought. Maybe I’m just not used to it.

Oh, Jon’s feet don’t reach the floor in that chair. Did I mention that already? They really hike it up. You can’t tell on TV but his feet are just swinging in the breeze down there.

Elfin!

Someone on the board remarked later, “It’s actually very weird seeing a TV show live as opposed to watching it on TV.”

I had responded: It was kind of weird … I guess because I have always looked at TDS as Jon being Jon - not a character; he’s just himself, Jon Stewart, talking about all this absurd crap done by our government and how it really pisses him off. But when you see it live, you see that it’s scripted and he’s reading a TelePrompTer and there’s people telling him to hurry up, slow down, 10 seconds, etc.

I do think he is still being Jon - not a character - and of course it’s not that I thought he winged the show every night - I know there’s a script - but it’s a lot more “packaged” and “produced” when you see it live. Little things like seeing him take that forehead medication out of his pocket and getting it ready for the shot - whereas on TV it’s just there and then it’s just gone but you don’t have this real-life practical and necessary motion of Jon’s taking it out of his pocket and then putting it back. It just magically appears when it’s needed and disappears when it’s done with.

Still totally worthwhile seeing the show live though. I’d love to go back in a few months. When it’s warmer.

The End.