My visit to The Colbert Report, Mar. 7, 2007
I went to see The Colbert Report again. Another very fun time. I went with another person who shall be known by the nom de plume “Lefty.”
I was late to my flight because I thought it was at 8:30 but it was really 8:15. I knew I was going to miss it. And AGAIN there was Meow Drama In TSA Land. I got pulled over for “special screening,” where they go through all your stuff and make you stand there like Jesus on the Cross, or a Lynndie England Kodak Moment, so they can check for hidden weapons or bombs or whatever it is that hasn’t been found on any of the millions of people screened since that shoe bomb guy had his 15 minutes and screwed up things for the rest of us for all eternity. My sincere fucking thanks, Mr. Incompetent Shoe Bomber. They took every piece of electronics equipment I had and swabbed it (for explosives residue) and x-rayed it. Thankfully (?) I had already missed my actual flight so I was not in a hurry as I had to wait 1.5 hours for the next one. I am often pulled out for screening on international flights (because of my passport) but not on domestic.
For some reason JetBlue did not charge me anything to switch my flight, nor whatever increase in fare there might have been. I was glad it wasn’t cancelled because snow had been predicted, but it was clear in Boston. New York, though, did have snow, so I’m glad I made it. That’s the danger of flying in winter – you never know if the plane is going to be able to take off. I then took the E train to 53rd and 7th. I couldn’t check in at my hotel yet so I left my stuff, went and had lunch, and walked down Broadway. I also found a paper store and bought a cool violet marker in case I was able to get Stephen to sign something (which didn’t happen so it was a waste of $6.95). That NYC sure has some expensive pens. When I thought it was late enough, I headed back to primp before leaving for TCR. Of course my room was still not ready, and even after 3:00 – the advertised check-in time – it was not ready. The manager said, “Well checkout time is noon but people ask if they can stay until 1:00 or 2:00, and that puts us behind in our cleaning,” to which I replied, “Well if you have other customers who are waiting for those rooms, then you should tell people, ‘I’m terribly sorry but regretfully this time we will have to stick to the posted checkout of noon’.” Then I said, “I need to get in my room. Now.” He was all, “What are you so angry about?” I fucking HATE that. I was not “angry,” for one; and I loathe it when someone is in the wrong and when called on it, shoots back with “Don’t get all huffy” or “Why are you upset??” It’s passive-aggressive or psycho-sexual or some other hyphenated emotional manipulation technique, and it’s often men who do it to women who aren’t supposed to be able – they think – to speak up for themselves. Anyhoo the room became ready right then so I checked in and fixed my face and put on more clothes since it was quite cold out, and walked the few blocks to W. 54th. I love the grid system. I love lower Manhattan too but it’s so much easier to walk anywhere higher up. And their pedestrian crosswalks change to “Walk” with mysterious regularity. In Boston, sometimes you literally have to wait 5 minutes. Even if you push the button.
To the studio: I ended up 6th in line. Mark M. the audience coordinator came out and we talked for a bit. He said Aspen was great, if anyone is wondering. You really must watch his short films “Ferris Wheel” and “Prom.” They are on his site, markmalkoff.com, or on YouTube. Oh, by the way, he said they do NOT want people to give extra tickets (like if you requested four but only ended up with you and one guest going) to people in the standby line. I was confused because I thought this was okay, and it’s not like they (TCR) would know anyway. Mark said he didn’t want to be a jerk about it but “If I see anyone trading off tickets to people on Standby, you’re all out.” (And then added with a big apologetic smile, “I’m sorry to be a hardass, thank you so much for coming, we appreciate it so much, but please don’t trade off tickets!) So anyway, don’t give tickets away; or at least make friends with these people BEFORE they ever make it known they are waiting for standby, somewhere off in a non-TCR-related section of the street. I think he and I talked some more and then he went to work. Then another guy I have met before came out and I talked to him too. By then it was almost 6:00 and time to go in.
The security has been stepped WAY up. They have real security guards now going through your bags, not TCR employees, which is who I think did it before. About 30 people got flagged when they went through the detector and got wanded. One woman went through, set it off, and said (pointing to her huge bejeweled belt), “Oh I really don’t want to take it off.” This is after they said about a hundred times, “Take off your belts, they WILL set off the detector.” So everyone behind her had to wait while she went back through, took it off, and went through again. On behalf of everyone behind you left waiting in the cold, I say, “Thank you, Belt Lady.”
One of the staff came over to me and Lefty and we talked to her for a minute. She said she didn’t know when they’d open the ticket requests again - they got many thousands of emails in the 2 weeks it was opened. She also said that if she recognizes people’s names or faces, they will de-list you; and the Web site says they can revoke the ticket at any time, i.e., pull you from the line and/or waiting room. (This made me worried, obviously. Next time I’m dyeing my hair and putting on a fake nose. Yes I am paranoid.) (Lefty thought she said that if people email outside of the normal “open window” that they add them to the list but I understood it as they DON’T add them, because they have thousands ahead of them already. So I’m not sure which one of us is right.)
They finally let us in (no Toss for us, booo) - on the way to the set you can see this little lounging area and Killer was there with some of the other crew. He looked just as dangerous right then as he does on TV. (Although later he was smiling so much I hardly recognized him. “Killer” is all an act, obviously.)
I was in the front row again, yay for people who can get there early. Although next time I’m not going to even try for the front, I don’t think. Pete did his warmup, which was a lot shorter than last time. He said he never knows if he’s going to be out there 5 minutes or 40 minutes. I guess it depends on where they are in the writing. Then Mark M. the real stage manager came out, then Pete came back out and then announced that Stephen was coming out and he does and he runs out and runs around the desk, throws the mic in the air, runs to the other side of the room, and runs back. I think he did the slap-hands thing here (not really a high-five – just a run-by-slap) and I caught him the second time. Still must be using the mango butter (or something) - very soft. The entrance was pretty much like last time but he was more energetic then. More leaping last time, although he did do one leap at some point. May I make note again that his pants are too big. Brooks Brothers Measurer, you need to get this waist/inseam thing straight. Or get a new tape - yours must be stretched out.
Something else I noticed that I meant to mention last time: there are a whole bunch of books on the shelf behind the desk that appear to be “For Dummies” books. I’m not sure because the front isn’t visible. It would be really funny if they were. There is also a bookshelf backstage with about a hundred reference books on it, which made me happy. I <3 reference books and have at least a hundred myself. The Merriam-Webster dictionary is there - not sure if it's got the correct "T" page in it.
Anyhoo, Stephen said they had a billionaire waiting on the phone (never occurred to me it would be Redstone – I thought Warren Buffet, maybe talking about something to do with his giving all his money away before he dies) and he didn't want to keep him waiting but asked if anyone had any questions to start, and again I did not get picked. The Dark Forces of Unasked Questions are clearly working against me. That's okay because later on when they were setting up the cameras he looked straight at me and mouthed "Hi!" and waved, and I waved back. He might have remembered me from last time or maybe he just picks a random person to wave Hi to. It’s more fun to assume he remembered me clearly and distinctly. It’s the hair – it’s like Pippi Longstocking trying to hide herself in a crowd. Ain’t gonna happen.
He only took a couple of questions, one from Lefty who said that her 8-year-old daughter loves Stephen: "Thank you, that's my core demographic, 8-year-old girls." Then she said that her daughter thinks he's 26, to which he responded, "I love her”; then she said her daughter thinks Jon is 60 - Stephen laughed and said, “I love her even more! Can I get that written down so I can mail it to him?” Everyone laughed. Then she gave him a bag of Cheetos and he said thanks and told someone from the staff to put it with his dip. Another big laugh. He just pops out these one-liners with no effort. Then she had more of an actual question and he said, “Oh no, you don’t get all that AND a question” but then he told her to go ahead and she asked who writes the toss (he said TDS does). The next one was from a guy who first introduced his wife and Stephen said, “Thank you, I get it, I’m flattered, but I’m not into that sort of thing” - huge laugh from the audience. The guy said he just started the Double Eagle Publishing Co. and wanted Stephen to have the first edition of their first book, which Stephen took and said to put with the Cheetos. [Laugh]
Then it was time to start the show and he asked for more of that artificial love he had heard earlier (O Stephen, so humble you are) and did this thing where he went from side to side with his hand going up and down (up means yell, down means quiet) and then said something like “Now you see how Hitler took power.”) (He had said the same thing last time I was there.) He went behind the desk, they prepared to start, and once they did it turned into Night of Adorable Flubs. It was a great night for screw-ups. Within four words, he had messed up and had to start again. Of course everyone in the audience hooted loudly with appreciation – at the flub, not at the redo. Show me one person who does not LOVE his flubs and character breaks. A whole reel of them would be heaven. They restarted and he said “Tonight” with more force than before, with a “Hah! I’ll get it this time” look in his eye. Then there was a technical problem and Mark M. the real stage manager told him to stop and Stephen was all “Well it wasn’t my fault this time!” So then they restarted again and first he looked up at the sky and said, “Now we’re even” (you know, I wonder, was he talking to God or to Sumner Redstone??) and this time is the time the take took - and he said “Tonight!!!” really emphatically, because everyone was laughing. That’s what people at home saw. He almost got through the whole thing except when he came to the Ernest Gallo part, he said “Ernest Gallo, in your ah-no” (instead of “honor” with the R) - and knew he screwed up and started laughing again and said they had to redo that one too and said that considering what he was about to say it was quite fitting that he messed up right then. (Then he got out the line, which was “Farewell, Ernest Gallo, in your honor I’m doing tonight’s show hammered” - audience went wild. Then when the opening credits started and he was off-camera, he stood up and bowed and blew kisses at the audience.
While on the Redstone call, he messed up his hair with the phone cord when he did the Hokey Pokey and had this little lock sticking straight out and everyone saw that he was quick to put his hand up and and smooth it back down. He must have been able to feel that it wasn’t right. I think he did it again when we cut to commercial. Gotta preserve the hair. By the way, Sumner Redstone actually lives in Massachusetts so I wonder if he was really in LA. Maybe it was too horrible for “Stephen” to have to admit to himself that his billionaire boss chooses to reside in Gaysrael. Such knowledge would give him nightmares. Well guess what Stephen, “He’s here, he’s a billionaire, get used to it!” 
The Word was very funny but I missed a lot again because I would rather watch the real Stephen than the monitor. It’s good to watch some though so you can see how different he looks on screen and have the real person there to compare. When he said the part about “I went to a straight bar with my girlfriend, then took her home for a hot night of vaginal sex” I thought, “That’s straight out of the mouth of Chuck Noblet.” And then came another flub, after he showed the picture of “The Professor,” when he got to the part about sucking our troops into homosexuality’s warm exfoliated—he stopped here and said he wanted to do a pickup from The Professor, and then laughed and said that guy looks just like his brother Bill, and kept looking at the picture on the monitor and grinning. Poor Bill, I hope he doesn’t really look like that. Actually The Professor looks a lot like my dad, but he deserves it.
I forget if he made any mistakes during Easter Under Attack. I don’t think so. (Damn.) He was laughing at our laughing at the graphic. I’d like a Shoot-’Em-Up Jesus myself. Good screen saver.
Then was the interview, which was a bit hard to see from the front row on that side because it’s far away. Interesting though, and when it was over Stephen stayed there almost the whole commercial break talking to the guest (Michael Specter). Then he came back and did the close and afterward got up and started looking at the wall, or down into a divider near the wall, and walked the whole way across behind the desk and then came out and said something like, “A year and a half and I’ve never looked back there – it’s fascinating” and then he thanked us all for coming and grinned and said, “And thank you for putting up with all my incompetence” and then he smiled at everyone and left.
When we were exiting, there was a guy handing out flyers for The Fuck Monkeys and I looked at it and said, “Oh, you must be Matt!” and he got this big smile of surprise on his face and said, “Yep, I’m Matt” and I didn’t know what else to say – he was probably wondering, who are you, weird person who knows my name? – so I just said, “Well hi!” Then I saw that other guy I know and talked to him for a minute. Then we bundled up and exited.
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Lefty wanted to wait for Stephen to come out and although I already have my signed book and DVD, I said I’d wait for a little while since I didn’t have to fly back. Shortly people started coming out - various staff I don’t know, then Mark M. came out and said bye, then several of the writers came out within about 30 minutes, and then Mark the stage manager did - so I remarked, “If all the writers are leaving, then Stephen will probably be out really soon.” Good, because it was pretty cold. Then he did come out, immediately followed by three fairly scary-looking security guards, and came down the steps and said hello and signed an autograph for Lefty’s daughter. I asked if I could take his picture and he said, “Yes, but please make it quick because I have got to get home.” This is when I promised myself I’d never do this [wait after the show] again. He had an SWC backpack and I asked if it was custom-made and he said, “Yup.” Then he signed flags for the two other people waiting and they took a picture and then he bounced off to his car and off he went and off we went.
I actually felt really awful about even taking 3 minutes of his time. Something must be happening there with all these new security guards. One whom we were talking to earlier said it’s the same way at The Daily Show now too, although I’m not sure when that started because I don’t recall anyone mentioning it yet. I felt guilty just pulling my camera out of my pocket - like it would be viewed as a possible danger motion until it was obvious it was just a camera. I hate to think that some Left-Wing-Nut doesn’t realize it’s an act and hates him for being “Stephen”; or some Right-Wing-Nut is angry that “Stephen” is making fun of conservative religiously-skewed-when-convenient rhetoric. The day he starts exiting out the back of the building is coming soon.
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Let’s see, fangirly stuff: Teeth still very perfect. Great smile during/after all the flubs. Pants too big! Hmmm, maybe it’s easier to do all the flying leaps with looser pants. He also drinks a lot of water and he has a very obvious oral fixation that has more to it than just chewing on pens. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. (The picture I took, by the way, is of him with a pen in his mouth. I’ll post it later.)
Edit: here’s the picture I took:
During one of the commercials they put on “Lump” by POTUSA and Stephen started doing the “My Humps” dance to it. I swear it was the same one. He must know more than one dance … but this did fit “Lump” just as well as “My Humps.” It’s an all-purpose shimmy, I guess. The audience yelled and clapped at this, naturally.
He made a lot of funny faces again while off-camera. He’s really “on” for the whole show, not just when they’re taping. At one point either when he was off-camera or coming back from the commercial, he put the script in front of his face so only his eyes were showing and proceeded to make his eyebrows move independent of each other. Really fast, too. Left right left right wiggle wiggle wiggle, while his eyes are going around and around, all googly. I don’t know how people do this eyebrow thing. It’s a real talent.
So then I had dinner and went to bed and flew out the next day. Goodbye TCR, until the next time.
The End.
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TSA Postscript: For chrissakes AGAIN on the return flight I got pulled aside for the full TSA search! Again they went through all my stuff, did the Stand Like Christ And Feel Very Exposed While Lynndie England Takes Your Picture thing, and I was done and they said I could leave. I pulled my suitcase off the table and the dimwits who had done the search had not zipped it shut so everything fell out onto the floor. I said, loudly, in an annoyed voice, “You know, they could have TOLD me that they didn’t zip it shut; now I have to pick all this stuff up.” This woman (not the one who did my search) said, “Oh, it’s okay, that happens to everyone.” Ummm duhhhh??? I just looked at her and said, “Well if it happens to ‘everyone’ then maybe you guys should start telling people the searchers don’t zip the bags shut when they’re done searching!” You could practically see the “what a great idea!” light bulb go off over her head. And these are the people entrusted with making sure no nefarious characters get on our planes. I’m not feeling very reassured.