Meow House Theatre

I was reading some article about how some women get all hot and bothered at the doctor. You know, if he’s all hot-and-bother-inducing. Not if he looks and acts like Frank Burns. Unless you’re into that type, of course. Anyhoo:I have plantar fasciitis on one of my feet. This is a condition whereby the plantar fascia (on the bottom of the foot) tightens up, which causes a pain–a SEVERE pain–when walking. It is like having a sharp rock embedded in the heel. It is the worst when first getting out of bed, or after sitting for a while. As one walks along, the pain disappears until the next time the plantar fascia (and the calf muscle, to which it connects) tightens up. Then the pain starts all over again.I had been putting off seeing a doctor for this for many months because I thought they really couldn’t do anything except 1) a cortisone shot, which I had been told hurt like a mofo; and 2) surgery, which was out of the question. However, I was having a mammogram one day and when I got out of the chair in the waiting room the radiology tech noticed my limping and asked what was wrong, so I explained to her my foot problem and she said that she had had the same thing and although yes, the shot did hurt, it completely cured her foot and so was worth it. So I got the name of her podiatrist and made an appointment.

So I’m sitting there in a very nice black leather exam chair with my naked feet down at the end, and in walks the doctor, and He.Is.Hot. Tall, silver-haired, very handsome, my age, flat abs, great teeth. (I love good teeth. Mmm mmmmm.) Plus he’s an MD, which don’t hurt none, right? He asked what brought me there and I sheepishly provided my “Internet diagnosis,” which he completely agreed with. He’s got a great voice, he’s funny, and he’s playing with my foot with some very nice hands. He says that yes, I should get the shot, and I ask just how much it hurts, really. He says it’s a shot, and it hurts, but it’s over in a second, and he asked what kind of a pain tolerance I have. I looked him right in the eye and said, “Well, I guess I’d have to say it’s pretty high.” I saw the faintest look of puzzlement in his eyes but then he just laughed a little and said great, you’ll be fine, let me go get the syringe.

He returned and tilted the chair back–I laughed and said, what, you don’t want me to see the needle? (I had told him I heard it was scary-large, but needles don’t bother me at all anyway.) He said, yep, a lot of people change their minds when they see it. So I was tilted back, unseeing, this hot guy feeling my tender bare foot, coming at me with a sharp instrument, I’m anticipating his next move but having no idea what he’s going to do, and he said, okay, little prick now, and I felt a small **pinch** on the side of my foot. I said oh, was that it, that didn’t hurt at all. He replied, no that’s not the part that hurts. This is the part that hurts, and he pushed the hypo in and the cortisone flowed out of it and it felt like someone just stabbed me with a burning hot poker and I yelled jesus fucking CHRIST and had to stop myself from yanking my foot away and breaking off the needle inside. Then he pulled the needle out and it was totally fine, the pain had just disappeared when the cortisone was all out, and he said you’ll probably never need another shot. And then he rubbed my foot a little more while smiling at me and telling me it was all better now and I thought dreamily man I really oughta go sign up for one of those reflexology massages somewhere, or at least find myself a guy who’s into feet.

And that’s about as close as I’ll ever be to getting all hot and bothered at the doctor. It just don’t do it for me. In fact it kind of grosses me out to think that it happens at all, to anyone. Kinda freaky on the patient’s part and shockingly unethical if the doctor ever acted on it. Besides I can get wild hot monkey sex anywhere, if I really want to. (Most women can.) If I ever got involved with my doctor, then I’d have to go find another doctor to replace him and then I’d have to figure out how the new office works and how to get there and blah-di-blah-di-blah. I’d rather get my dates in a way that is not going to cause me future inconvenience. That part’s easy, but a good a good doctor is hard to find.