My Visit to The Colbert Report, Apr. 12, 2007
A Memoir In Three Acts
Dramatis Personae
Meow: The Gorgeously Stunning Ingenue (okay that’s stretching it) Who Somehow Manages To Nearly Miss Almost Every Plane But Avoided Being Marked For The Full-Body Search This Time
Meow’s Primary Compatriots In This Participatory Theatre Endeavor: Marisa, Tory, Chi
Stephen: A Man Who Jumps Around A Lot, Among Other Things
Les Autres:
Seven other persons of the type to wait long enough to get in the front row - you know who you are - I’m not listing them because I think I’m going to get the names wrong and then I’d feel bad
Mark M.–The Audience Coordinator and International Man of Mini-Stephen Mystery
Mark M.–The Real Stage Manager - Repeatedly Impersonated by “Bobby” and Yet Still Waves His Paper Festively
Juan–Person Who Guards His Ice Cream Most Rabidly
Killer–Guarder of Cables and Resident Scary/Not-Scary Person
The Unnamed Security Guard Who Makes Meow Nervous Even Though She’s As Clean As A Shiny New Dime
MadMoll–Of All The Starbucks In All The Cities In The World, She Had To Walk Into Mine
And Special Guest Star Back From His Long Voyage And Ready To File Workers’ Compensation Claims – Stephen Might Not Provide Him With Health Insurance, But He Can’t Get Away With Skipping on the WC Coverage:
The One and Only “Tad”!
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The Setting For This Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius: (that’s stolen from some guy who really did write a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, coincidentally entitled A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius)
A Plane
A Train
A Studio In The Area Formerly Known As “Hell’s Kitchen” But That Scares The Tourists So Now Let’s Call It (White Bread) “Clinton”
A Sidewalk (No Dead Rats Waiting To Be Pancake-i-fied This Time)
A Train (make that “a WRONG train”)
A Cab
A Traffic Jam
A Plane
A Runway
A Plane Turning Around On The Runway Because “This Is Your Captain Speaking And We Noticed Something Funny Up Here”
A Runway Redux
A Plane
A Plane Getting In 2 Hours Late
A Car
A Bed (Um that part’s not really included in the story. Nothing too exciting anyway.)
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Prologue
After having a couple of people who were supposed to attend back out only a few days before taping, I had to find someone to take these tickets. It would have been a damn shame to let them go to waste. I posted in several places and finally got three people to join me. For god’s sake, you’d think I was trying to get rid of tickets to Fred Phelps! Not that I’d ever have tickets to that vile repulsive waste of carbon. Anyhoo, the tickets got taken and we all figured out who was getting there when. There was a day of slight anxiety because there was supposed to be a snowstorm and if that had happened and my flight were cancelled, it would be difficult to get to NYC on the train. Well not difficult to get there, but difficult to get back that night. I ended up buying a train ticket just in case, which I hope I can return or that’s $109 down the tubes. The money tubes, not the Internet tubes.
But the flight wasn’t cancelled and off I went. No “special screening” this time by TSA, no power-mad teenagers demonstrating their manliness by making smarmy remarks and “stand aside” orders to people who dare to question their intellectual capabilities.
Act I
I got there fine and took the E as usual to 50th & 8th. This is the closest and best stop to get to for TCR and there is Starbucks on the corner of 51st or 52nd and 8th. This is the one I stopped in at, and immediately upon walking in I see this woman sitting down and I said to myself, “I know that hair from somewhere.” But you know, it’s not polite to stare so I went and ordered my caramel mocha latte, which have grown on me of late and I think now surpass peppermint as my favorite Starbucks creation, and went to sit down. The only table open was right next to this Woman of Familiarity so I’m still trying not to stare but I really think I know her. I got out my iPod and as I’m fiddling with it, I hear her say the words “I went to a taping … ” to someone else and I pulled off the headphones and turned and said, “Are you talking about going to a taping of The Colbert Report?” She said, “Uh yes … ” and just at about the same time, we both said “I know you, where do I know you from?!” Well it was MadMoll [from the CN board, if you are reading this somewhere else and don’t recognize her name]. Now that was freaky. I have never met her and have only seen a couple of pictures of her, one from CN and one from MySpace. And out of all the Starbucks in NYC, and all the times I could have gone in, I went to that particular one while she was in it. It was pretty funny. I should probably thank my cat, who is actually the one with the MySpace profile (HEY! It’s a legitimate art form! Deal with it!) and who is so handsome and such a fascinatingly feline Man of Letters (he’s got all manner of advanced degrees) that he has far more friends that I have probably ever had in my entire life. So I had a few minutes and we talked while I drank my heavenly blend of caramel and coffee and then I trekked to the studio.
While I was crossing 10th, I saw this girl on the other side of the street and I thought, “She looks like someone who would be going to wait in line” and she was - she was Chi, one of the people I had given a ticket to. There were already a couple of people in line ahead of our group. Shortly thereafter the second person in my group showed up; she was wondering at first which people we were because I had said to look out for my long bright red hair but it was cold and I was afraid of being told to leave (more on that later) so I had put it inside my hood. But we figured it out. Pretty soon TCR employees started coming out to see if people were out there already and at some point unlocked the gate so we could line up in the normal spot. Then we just waited for 5:15. Mark M. came out as usual and again yelled (in a nice way) to everyone to NOT join the regular line if they were supposed to be on Standby. So as I said before, make friends with Standby people away from the line and before they ever sign up. When Mark saw me, he said, “Oh hi, how are you?” etc., and we talked for a minute and then I was no longer afraid I was going to be kicked out of the line (I’m just nervous about these things). I asked him if Paul [Dinello, who plays Tad The Building Manager] was there because his segment was airing and he said he hadn’t seen him but he thought he might be there. I think they are told to be purposefully vague about these things. Mark is a really nice guy and I hope Stephen gave him that raise I said he should give him. (No I did not and do not actually talk to Stephen. It’s a long story.)
We went in at 5:15 and did the whole wait-in-the-room-for-awhile thing. I sat next to a couple of people who hadn’t been before; one was worried that she and her group might not get in and was trying to figure out how (based on her number of 52) many people and spaces there were left. I was happy to tell her that once she was in the waiting room, she had nothing left to worry about - she was definitely getting in. I was Seat #8, which actually is not a good seat - in fact I think in the front row, anything beyond Seat #6 is no good - because the cameras block you a lot there, and Mark M. The Real Stage Manager stands in front of you a lot. It was okay because I’ve been there before but if I hadn’t, and ended up being blocked so much, I would have been very crushingly disappointed. They should just not have seats right there at all.
Pete did his warmup and was very funny. I really prefer him over Paul M. at TDS. If you guys live in NYC, you should go see him sometime when he does standup. He had a couple of the first seats go up and touch the desk, and he recognized one person (in our overall 11-person group) from being his MySpace friend. Harrumph, he didn’t recognize ME as his MySpace friend. I was a little hurt.
He didn’t do too long of a warmup this time - they must have wanted to get started. Oh I had asked Mark why they were doing it early that night and he said they were trying to change the schedule for Thursdays so they could all leave earlier and once he said it I had a memory that he told me that a couple of months ago but I had forgotten. I know people were all curious about why they were changing the time so I wish I had remembered and could tell people that. I thought perhaps Stephen wanted to catch the last shuttle to DC but I was obviously wrong.
Act II
Then Mark M. The Real Stage Manager comes out and says he’s going to wave his paper festively when we’re supposed to yell and then Stephen came running out and someone throw the mic to him and he’s running around the desk doing his flying leaps and he runs to the other side tossing the mic into the air. He’s pretty good at that; I know I’d drop it. I wonder what those cost. They aren’t cheap, I know that much. His pants are still too big. Someone must start a letter-writing campaign about that. (Just kidding.) And his shoes are very shiny. He asked for questions, most of which I can’t remember, but the best one was from Allisa (in our extended group) who said, “Where’s your permission slip?” He was confused for a second and said, “Permission slip for what?” and the whole row practically went bug-eyed and said, “Strangers With Candy?” and he immediately had a flash of understanding and did an amazing Chuck Noblet “Shut your dirty little mouth!!!” with the exact body movement - the half-spin around to start the yelling - and everything. The inflection and growly-voiced timbre was exactly the same as on SWC. All he needed was some hideous Noblet clothes and it would have been 6 years ago. Of course the front row completely cracked up and the rest of the audience (who could not have heard the “Strangers With Candy?” remark) was probably all “What the fuck …???” and Stephen said something like, “I think we just alienated the entire studio of people.” Oh, there was also a group of Muslim people there and one asked “As a Muslim, how can I defeat other Muslims” and Stephen said something funny back but I have forgotten what it was. Oh, and Lefty gave him the picture her daughter drew, which she forgot last time, and he said, “Does she have any writing samples, because we’re looking.” I better get cracking on that packet if they’re all the way down to taking submissions from 8-year-olds. 
I did not get to ask my question again; I think there is something against me in that department because I have red hair and I wore a bright red sweater even though I looked frightening in it and I still did not get called upon. At least this time he didn’t look right at me and then pick the person next to me, which has happened four times so far. But that goddamn sweater is still going in the trash.
Unfortunately (?) Stephen did not mess up one single time last night. I’m sure he doesn’t like to flubb but we all know those are the best parts: when he screws up so bad he has to retape it. He was also clearly getting sick–he kept popping cough drops before they started the tape and during the breaks and then he’d have to spit them out when it got close to taping time. He also drank tea instead of his normal water and made the Ching Chong Ding Dong face while drinking. Even without his saying anything, it was obviously Ching Chong Ding Dong. Very funny.
Right before the intro the hair lady came out and sprayed his cowlick, which he did not need. Although you know how his hair looks really Brylcreamed on TV? It doesn’t look like that in person. And it does move around a little when he’s leaping–it’s not totally gellified to his head. And it’s much darker on TV. That recent interview where the reporter said his hair is jet black and has about four strands of grey at the temples? Well it’s not, and it has way more grey than that, and that reporter guy needs glasses.
While they were doing Act 1, we could see the crew getting a rolling office chair ready off to the side and we all knew this had something to do with Tad. They put it on the dais and then Paul came out (I didn’t even see him; he wasn’t there and then he was all of a sudden.) He sat down but kept his back to the audience; maybe so we wouldn’t yell or wouldn’t see that his face was all cut up, although we in those front seats could see anyway. He and Stephen talked through this and then Stephen did the intro for him and when they played his segment, Stephen watched and was laughing and/or mouthing the voiceover (which was all Tad’s lines, not Stephen’s, but he knew them anyway) the whole time. That guy has some perfectly straight blindingly white teeth. Those braces were worth every cent. When the segment was over and they cut to commercial, Paul stood up and everyone (and by everyone I mean most of all Row 1) clapped and cheered for him and Stephen said, “Paul Dinello, everyone” and then Paul smiled at all of us and man he is good-looking. Even with the messed-up face. Then he left.
Act III
The rest of the show was uneventful although there did appear to be some kind of mixup in the identification of the guest. After the interview, when Stephen was back at the desk getting ready to do the close, he was talking to the producers and he appeared to be quite annoyed about something. I said to Marisa, “Look, he’s really yelling at them … I wonder if the researcher really did give him the wrong notes about what the guest’s actual title was.” [I should add he wasn’t really “yelling” - he was having a heated discussion that we could not hear. For all I know, they could have been talking about why the ice cream bin was empty, or who used the executive washroom without permission.] I checked the CN site and Avery seems to have identified the guest correctly, so it seems that perhaps Stephen did get incorrect information. That must have been rather embarrassing for him. The interview went well; I was expecting more fireworks but Land was rather logical and grounded. Not all the religious are crazies. Also, this was probably not visible to anyone except those of us in Seat 8 and beyond, but Stephen keeps a Bible on a shelf under the interview table. He pulled it out to show the guest but this was probably hidden unless you were far off to stage right and in the first row only, like we were, because he held it down low and behind the table.
Then he did the close and as he always does some little thing while the credits roll (which is not aired), this time he went to the shelf and pulled off something (a coconut? a shrunken head? a petrified durian?) which he fondled rather romantically for the next minute and a half and made funny faces. Then he thanked everyone for coming and said something like, “I can’t believe I got through that without losing my voice. Thank you so much.” And then he walked backstage.
On the way out, I talked to Juan whom I met a few times ago and who has been very nice to me and he was eating a most beckoning cup of Americone Dream and he would NOT give me any! I mean, he was practically physically guarding it, like I might steal it or something, or grab it and run like hell. That must be some really good ice cream. The Ass Sac Smut state where I live barely sells it, so I’ve not had any yet. He asked when I was coming back and I said I had to work on my Secret Methods of Ticket Obtainment™ and might see him soon.
We left and waited outside although I don’t think any of us wanted to see Stephen. I mean, not that nobody wanted to see Stephen; but nobody wanted to bother him at all. We really just wanted to have Paul come out. He does not get bothered all the time so it would have been okay this time. Yes, I’m rationalizing. It’s what I do. I already have my book and DVD signed by him too but I would have liked to get a picture. Although my camera chose that very moment to break but I carry around a little camcorder everywhere and it can take still photos so I would have used that. However, I had to catch my plane or risk sleeping in the glorious accommodation that is JFK Airport, so I left at about 8:50. (We had been told by a few people that it would probably be a very late night, and I kind of figured that with Paul just back they weren’t going home anytime soon. Plus the exec. producer hadn’t come out and with that research mistake, if there was one, I figured they were trying to determine just what happened there and probably wouldn’t be out for hours.) Ilyse and Tek and Scorpio got great pictures with him so I’m happy for them.
Then I walked back to 50th & 8th and stupidly took the C train (now the C train can be the best train to take but not in this particular case :-)) and didn’t notice until I was almost to 168th Street, and I thought then I’d not be able to make it in time to my flight on the subway, so I got out and hailed a cab and kissed $60 goodbye, and it really ticked me off when I got to the airport and found out my flight was delayed more than an hour. I probably could have walked and made it in time. When we finally took off, we taxied away and as we’re about to start accelerating, the pilot says “Something funny going on up here” and we had to return to the jetway so the mechanics could take a look. That made me feel reeaaal good. I finally got home at 2:30 AM and had to get up for work 4 hours later.
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Epilogue
In Summary and In Conclusion:
Stephen: Teeth: white. Pants: too big. Sick: needs some Nyquil and a bedside teapot. Still very funny (as if he wouldn’t be). Must be color-blind if he cannot see my flaming hair, or I scare him. (That’s possible too; wouldn’t be the first time.)
Paul: Please sir, may I have some more? We need more Tad segments. We need more in-studio Tad segments. With “Stephen.” Oh hell we need “Tad” and “Stephen” to pretend to be a couple of middle-aged homos. They could be “practicing” a play or something. Oh and we need Tad to clean out Stephen’s pool, or be forced to investigate a tanning salon. I think you all know why this is of the utmost importance. And if you don’t, why, you are certainly missing out on something. I’ve got some tape I can send you.
Mark M. The Audience Coordinator: deserves a raise. I’m talking to YOU, Stephen.
Mark M. The Real Stage Manager: not that I don’t like “Bobby” but Mark M. TRSM looks just as good in a headset as Eric Drysdale does, and he does have some comedic talent as evidenced by his interactions with Stephen (all of which are off-camera).
Juan: ice-cream hoarder. The nerve.
The Unnamed Security Guard: I was nervous and guilty every time I moved. That must mean he’s doing a good job.
Assorted Accompanying Persons: we are a nice bunch of people. I haven’t met anyone yet I’d run screaming from. (Except maybe that security guard.)
TCR: the best free show in New York City. It’s a shame it goes by so quickly. And just like that, he’s gone …
The End