the faint
If you have to faint, don’t do it in a bar or restaurant. Because then everyone assumes you have fallen off your chair because you are drunk. This has happened to me several times in my life. The fainting part I mean, not the assuming part.
Last Saturday was my birthday and I went to CT to see my mum and my cousin came down from NYC and we all went out to lunch. I was perfectly fine and we were eating and then my mother starts talking about this operation she had when she was about 15, because she had an ulcer and so they had to remove about 2/3 of her stomach, and they did this horrible thing under local anesthesia. Why, I cannot possibly imagine. She was describing how she could look up in a mirror on the ceiling and watch them cutting her open and then how at one point they lifted up her stomach and she felt the most shockingly incredibly horrendous pain imaginable and screamed bloody murder (what the FUCK were they doing with local anesthesia???) and then at some other point the doctor had this big chunk of cut-out stomach in his hand and he said “Oh well see here we only thought you had an ulcer this big but really it was THIS big and see here how it’s all bloody and perforated and rotten” and so on and so forth. Well at about the point where she was saying about the horrible pain I started to feel strange, and then definitely by the time it got to “here’s your organs in my hand!” part I knew I was going to pass out. I could feel my eyes rolling up into my head and I said “Uh I don’t feel so good … ” and then all these beautiful little stars appeared around my head and everything was dark and velvety and both quiet and buzzing at the same time somehow even though this doesn’t sound possible and I felt very small and far away like Alice In Wonderland down the rabbit hole and the next thing I knew my chair was pulled out and my head was down by my knees and my head felt very heavy and I couldn’t talk or even open my eyes.
That whole get-the-blood-up-to-your-brain position is actually quite unsettling, by the way. I mean, it’s not helping any to make the victim more comfortable. Seems evolution would have figured this out by now. Anyhoo.
I guess it was all that talk about stomach parts. Just writing this out is making me feel a little lightheaded.
I had to sit there with everyone staring and the waiter asking if I was okay for about 5 minutes. My cousin offered to take me to the ladies’ room but I knew I couldn’t make it. So I just sat and breathed. When I thought I could sit up I did. Whoops too soon, blacked out again.
I wonder what people told their friends. “We were out to lunch and there was this girl and I bet she was bombed at 1:00 in the afternoon!”
Well maybe not. I am probably overnanalyzing, which I often do.
Anyway don’t talk to me about your gory surgeries. I am apparently very suggestible. But no you cannot hypnotize me into doing the chicken dance while everyone laughs. YOU CAN’T.